The Shinobi's Guide to Parenthood
by Fallaby Z
Summary: "Can you, for once in your life, just say things like they are? Stop tiptoeing around the issue, for God's sake." "...I'm pregnant." (Ten-night stands don't really constitute a relationship in Shikamaru's book. But they are apparently a chapter in parenthood.) ShikamaruxOC, Rated M for profanity and mention of "the do".


**Summary:** "Can you, for once in your life, just say things like they are? Stop tiptoeing around the issue, for God's sake." "...I'm pregnant." (Ten-night stands don't really constitute a relationship in Shikamaru's book. But they are apparently a chapter in parenthood.)

* * *

Short A/N: Basically, this is the only complete thing I could write over the past 4 days that was semi-readable. (TAOW fans, I'm almost done with the next chapter! Secretariat fans, I...started on the next chapter?)

Also, I took some liberties with tweaking the storyline. Shikaku is still dead. I still have Tsunade as Hokage, Sasuke will not be in the picture with everyone at ~25-26 years old, Neji is still alive, and I'm basically ignoring the shinobi wars since they're not that pertinent to the storyline.

**LET ME KNOW HOW THIS IS AND IF IT'S COMPLETE UTTER CRAP B/C..(cont. in a/n at end.)**

* * *

**Lesson 1: Breaking the news is best done in a stealthy, quiet way with as little ruckus as possible.**

"You're _what_?" Shikamaru blinked, once, twice, then three times, as if that would somehow clear things up.

_And he tells me to tell it to him straight,_ Kyoko thought irritably. She was accustomed to speaking in circles, having worked in the Konoha cryptology department for ten years since she was sixteen. Codes were never, ever straightforward, and Kyoko rarely was either.

The situation, however, kind of required a brand of straightforwardness that Kyoko struggled to muster. She finally did, but with a scarlet face and a trembling voice. "Shikamaru, I'm _pregnant_."

The man across the table from her continued the owlish blinking.

"Pregnant," Kyoko repeated, "Enceinte. Expecting. Gravid. Parturient. _With child_. Shall I start naming synonyms in different languages?" Kyoko was terrified out of her mind, having thrown up in the toilet that morning, bought four different pregnancy tests and used them with positive results, and then went to Sakura for a proper medical exam. (Which also inadvertently meant that by now, most of the girls in their circle knew the news.)

The word "child" seemed to shock Shikamaru out of his daze, his brows scrunching together as he leaned forward surreptitiously. "With someone else's kid?"

In a flash, Kyoko's eyes flooded with moisture, and she leaned across the coffee shop table to slap Shikamaru across the cheek. Hard. "You are being most insensitive right now, you bastard," she hissed through gritted teeth, "and although I may not be a virgin, I am not a whore, and even though we're not technically in an official relationship, you're the only person I've had sex with for a _year_."

She buried her face in her hands, sniffling quietly and leaving Shikamaru to fidget guiltily in his seat, wondering why the hell she chose a coffee shop of all places to break the news to him. He opened his mouth to speak, but Kyoko lifted her tearstained face up and beat him to it.

"Don't you dare ask me to abort it." She scowled at him. "I know we fucked up really bad this time, but abortion is out of the question. And if you push me because you're can't handle the responsibility, then fine." Straightening, Kyoko fixated him with her best 'I-am-an-independent-woman' glare, "I'll raise it myself and you can have nothing to do with it if you don't want to."

"I wasn't going to!" Shikamaru defended himself, though one part of him did in fact wish that they could just end the problem and forget about it. And he'd learn a lifelong lesson on using proper contraceptives next time he went on a sex spree with a colleague.

For a genius, he sure was stupid sometimes. Scratch that, for geniuses, they were both pretty stupid sometimes.

Shikamaru couldn't even really remember why he started having sex with Kyoko. They met through mutual friends and then at work when he temporarily transferred into the cryptology department. She was cute and smart and didn't inordinately irritate him like most talkative females, and they flirted and bantered from time to time. Then on a particularly hormonal and possibly inebriated day, they kissed and it progressed a little further. Maybe a lot further.

They weren't dating, that was for sure. They got along passably well despite the occasional explosive argument that usually involved Kyoko attempting to punch him and Shikamaru getting unusually loud and irritated.

Maybe there was an unspeakable attraction between them that Shikamaru couldn't quite describe. He did know, however, that lust found them at the wrong times and in the wrong places, and that one time progressed to two. And then three. Until it started not mattering as much anymore and they started sleeping together more often.

Shikamaru had a bad feeling that he'd forgotten to use a condom once or twice.

And then _this_ happened.

_Think like this is shogi, think like this is shogi_. Clasping his hands together habitually, Shikamaru attempted to sift through the many possible solutions to this problem. It should have been easy, but Kyoko's teary face and the fact that she was carrying his son or daughter floated around persistently in his mind.

She was an independent variable. Shikamaru very rarely lost his cool, especially when it concerned females, but Kyoko seemed to constantly prove him wrong. At least with people like Ino or his mother, he could reasonably predict what their reactions would be (angry, increasing exponentially).

Kyoko was different. A bad kind of different.

One moment, she'd be the nicest, most docile person in the world, chipping away at whatever code she was attempting to decode. The next, she'd be in tears and shouting in frustration to the ceiling. And then she'd be furious, breaking cups and pencils and anything she could get her hands on.

And then she'd be completely calm, wiping away her tears, sitting back down and continuing her work as if _nothing happened_.

If her life were a movie, Ichikawa Kyoko would've won an Oscar for all of the emotions she could portray in a two-minute period.

"Shikamaru?" Shikamaru opened his eyes reluctantly to see the weepiest, most terrified Kyoko he'd ever seen. "What are you thinking of? I mean—" She sniffed. "Of what are you thinking?"

He had to crack a smile. Only Kyoko would be worried about proper grammar even in tears.

Hugs weren't exactly Shikamaru's forte, which was ironic considering he'd had sex with the woman not once but multiple times, but he reached across the coffee table for her and patted her back awkwardly. She fisted his shirt in a death grip, trembling.

"We'll be okay. I'll figure something out, I promise," he muttered in her ear, even though he wasn't sure how he would figure anything out, exactly.

"No." Kyoko pushed him away, eyes flaming with determination. "_We'll_ figure something out. After all," she grinned for the first time that morning, "it takes two to make a baby."

_Baby. Baby. Baby._ The word rang in both of their ears ominously like a death toll.

"My parents are _so_ going to kill me," Kyoko groaned, burying her head into Shikamaru's shirt again.

Silently, Shikamaru agreed with her.

* * *

"You got _Kyoko_ pregnant?" Choji fisted a clump of potato chips in his hands, shellshocked. "_Kyoko_ Kyoko?"

Shikamaru nodded gloomily.

"I didn't even know you guys were dating!" Choji put a chip-crusted hand to his heart dramatically. "I'm hurt."

"That's the thing," Shikamaru mumbled as he collapsed on the sweet green grass, staring up at the clouds. "We're not."

Choji was surprised but was taking it in stride, as Shikamaru expected him to be. It was one of the reasons why they were best friends: Choji always kept his cool and was rarely judgy. "Was it a one night wonder kind of thing?"

"Think more on the lines of ten."

Choji whistled. "You must really like her, then."

"It's not that," Shikamaru said to the clouds. "I mean, I guess given enough time we probably would've ended up dating. But I didn't have sex with her because it was love at first sight or anything."

"Oh." Choji didn't inquire any further, which Shikamaru was grateful for. It was rare that he didn't quite have a full understanding of the situation himself. "How far along is she?"

"Three months."

"Wow." Choji took a seat next to him. It would have been a nice bonding moment if it weren't for the constant crunching of chips that Shikamaru could hear next to his ear. "So what do you think you're going to do?"

Shikamaru exhaled deeply, mentally bidding goodbye to his peaceful, energy-conserving life. Soon, all hell would break loose. He was 100% sure of it.

"We're going to get married."

* * *

"And he proposed to me, but I don't want to get married to him."

"_What?!_ Why?" Ino shrieked. It was clear that she was physically restraining herself from leaping across the table to shake her friend's shoulders. Instead, she appeased herself by snipping a tulip in half. The girls, composed of Sakura, Tenten, Kyoko, and Hinata, were crowded in the back of the Yamanaka florist shop as Ino worked. "Shikamaru's great! He might be a lazy asswipe 70% of the time, but he's responsible and he'll take care of you!"

"But that's exactly it," Kyoko muttered forlornly into her second cup of tea that day. "We don't love each other. We barely _like_ each other. And now with the baby and everything...I don't want to be another burden." She swallowed hard. "And I don't like the idea of getting married just because people will criticize us."

"Oh, sweetheart." Sakura rounded the table to hug the woman, rocking her back and forth comfortingly. "We all make mistakes. And whatever choice you make, I'll be there for you."

"Me, too," Ino added immediately.

"And me," Tenten chimed in.

"You have my support as well," Hinata smiled. "And I'm sorry for being happy in this situation, but I'm glad my son will have a playdate near his age." She patted her nicely rounded stomach lovingly.

"A son?" Kyoko asked, glad for a short diversion from the heavier topic looming over their heads. "You know so soon?"

Hinata shook her head. "No, but Kiba-kun is pretty sure. He said he had a premonition or something, but honestly, I'd be happy if he or she were happy and healthy." She smiled at Kyoko, who was currently drinking in her enviable state of happiness. "Maybe this isn't what you want to hear right now, but you never know. The baby might be the next wonderful thing that will happen to you."

"Right now, I'm just worried about how our parents will take the news," Kyoko admitted. "The marriage stuff can come later."

"_Ooh._" In unison, everyone in the room cringed.

* * *

They went to Kyoko's parents' home first.

Kyoko was taking an unbearably long time to get to the point, dancing around the topic and peppering it with hypothetical situations in addition to a couple hundred "uh"s and "um"s. She also managed to somehow make several hilariously bad puns. It was when Kyoko stammered out, "Conceivably, the study close mammal interaction is an area of study pregnant with possibility" that Shikamaru stepped in and got to the point before she could delve into a discussion about platypi.

"We're having a baby." Shikamaru glanced sideways at Kyoko, who was turning so red that she looked like she might explode. "With that said, I'd like to marry her."

Kyoko was unexpectedly averse to the prospect of marriage. Shikamaru had thought that Kyoko would melt into a puddle of relief, but he was quickly proven very, very wrong. However, after a long discussion that went round and round in circles, Shikamaru had gotten Kyoko to agree to consider being engaged, depending on their parents' reaction.

Her mother took it unusually well, beaming and clapping Shikamaru on the back. Her father was a different story. Rather than reveling over the fact that he was about to become a grandparent (which was what her mother was doing), he had a blank look on his face and was starting to pale.

It took five very awkward and long minutes for Kyoko's father speak intelligibly. "You've never come up in our conversations, Shikamaru-kun. When...when did this all start?"

At his side, Kyoko slumped weakly. Shikamaru took over the talking. "We...have a tumultuous relationship that...was on and off for a period of time." There. That wasn't exactly a lie. And Kyoko wasn't disagreeing, either.

When Kyoko's dad began to adopt a steely look in his eye, Shikamaru felt a chill run up his back. Civilian or not, Mr. Ishikawa could be terrifying.

"Of course," Shikamaru continued smoothly, "I want to take full responsibility for this." In an unprecedented move, he put in arm around Kyoko's shoulders. "I promise I'll take care of Kyoko and our child to the best of my ability."

"Partial." It was the first time that Kyoko spoke since they officially "broke the news" to her parents. She looked up at Shikamaru solemnly. "Partial responsibility. We're in this together, remember?"

Shikamaru looked down at her. In that one moment, he looked nervous and unsure and like a boy who had no idea what he was doing. It was not a good look on Nara Shikamaru, and Kyoko found herself pitying him more than herself for once.

He swallowed the anxiety down. "Yeah."

Mr. Ishikawa was watching them as they interacted and sighed deeply, standing up from the table. "As long as you get married, it's fine. I guess." Sullenly, he stalked further within the house and slammed his bedroom door shut.

"Oh, don't mind him," Kyoko's mother cooed, "he's just sad he's going to be losing his one and only daughter to the smartest shinobi in the village."

Kyoko's smile was visibly strained. Shikamaru didn't feel any better, but at least he was better at hiding it.

* * *

Kyoko was unusually reticent when it came to meeting his mother, so it was up to Shikamaru to stiltedly explain the situation while his mother sat across from them at the kitchen table, arms crossed and a stern expression on her face.

When he finished, she spoke. "Can the girl talk?"

Instinctively, Kyoko cringed, but realized belatedly that it was the wrong move when trying to gain a brash mother's acceptance. So she straightened her spine. "Yes. Yes, I can."

There was a beat of silence until Kyoko realized that she was expected to say more. "I...I may not know much when it comes to parenthood but I swear to you that I will love this child with everything I have, and I will cherish your son to the best of my ability." She took a deep breath, noticing the way Shikamaru straightened next to her. It was the first time love had even come into the equation.

"Despite this less than d-desirable chain of events," Kyoko continued, stammering with the effort to keep on track, "I want to create a safe, warm household for us three." She shifted to glance at Shikamaru out of the corner of her eye, gauging his reaction. "I truly mean it."

Shikamaru was unreadable as usual, but she caught his almost imperceptible nod with great relief.

"I feel the same way."

Abruptly, Shikamaru's mother smiled. Not in a pinchy, 'I-will-break-you' kind of way either. A full-blown smile.

"Honestly, I think Shikaku would be pleased at the turn of events," his mother noted, her voice gentle now. "We kind of didn't think you'd ever get married at the rate you were going. In fact, I'm glad you're actually having sex."

Kyoko let slip a giggle, then looked completely mortified for laughing at Shikamaru's expense. Shikamaru just tried not to look affected, though they all knew better.

"Very well then, Ishikawa Kyoko," Yoshino declared, "I hereby give you my son in marriage."

"That sounds wrong," Shikamaru commented dryly, though inside, they were all heaving a sigh of relief.

_The parents have been taken care of. Now, to face the rest of the village..._

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A/N cont: Basically, the idea behind this story is to take two people who were kind of into each other's personalities but more into each other's bodies becoming parents. Through parenthood, their relationship changes: sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I guess the moral of this story is "mistakes may be blessings in disguise". Also, if you're going to have sex, make it safe.

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto, and I also don't promote sex without the use of contraceptives unless you, you know, want to get preggers and stuff.**


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